Baby

January 30th, 2011

8:30 AM- I open my eyes, suddenly awake, & stand up. I feel a slight pressure & see the water hit the floor. It's baby time. I soak through 2 towels waiting to get my bag & the car ready. The excitement is lurking like a wave under the surface, ready to break on the shore. The towels are really getting squishy. There's no way the human body can hold this much liquid.

9:00 AM- At the hospital, the contractions come very slowly. I can barely feel any movement at all. I'm at 4 cm, so the doctor approves my stay. It's all about to begin. Mom & Bryan stay with me while Dad heads home to prepare the family. They put the heart monitor on my abdomen, and the wooshing of the baby's little heart fills the room. We will spend the next several hours listening to the little guy.

12:00 PM- What feels like 30 min is actually 3 hours later. I lay in bed & feel as the contractions get slowly more intense. They are still very weak compared to the ones from the week prior however. Bryan & mom spend the time calling all the relatives to let them know the big day is here. I'm very excited & eager for things to speed up.

Sara, Wes, Rusty & Erin visit throughout the whole process; Erin brings me cookies & milk;Bryan runs to get snacks & unwind.

3:00/30 PM- The contractions get a little more intense. I get stuck at 6 cm, the doctor wants to give me Pictocin to push past. I opt for an IV of Nubain to take off the slight edge I'm feeling, & feel instantly groggy & spacey. This stuff kicks morphine's ass. They never give me the Pictocin because I begin to progress again.

6:00 PM- Finally decide on an epidural, just as a precaution. I'm not really in pain, but really am aching and want things to go smoothly. Each contraction causes Edwin's heart rate to slow, so they give me an oxygen mask. The doctor comes in to check me, and gives the verdict "We can begin in 20 or 3o min." I ask the nurse to get Bryan & Mom from the hallway.

6:20/30 PM- I'm in the midst of pushing, Bryan by my head holding my hand, Mom at my right leg. I'm not feeling anything other than the pressure below, and with each push Edwin gets a little closer. However, his head refuses to cooperate, so they grab the 'baby vacuum' to help him out. (laugh)

6:48 PM- Edwin David . Born 7 lbs 10.3 ounces, 21 inches long. Bright blue eyes & curly light brown hair, and a curious gaze at everything & everyone in the room. Bryan & I couldn't be happier.

When you think about it...

It's been a really really long time since I've had any sort of motivation to write. Guess that happens when your brain starts getting sucked out by your uterus (ha). I've got about 5 weeks to go, though it feels like this is going to be ongoing for the rest of my life. In a way, it is. I mean, minus the obvious of there being an infant in the picture, I don't think once your brain & body have gone through pregnancy you're ever truly back to homeostasis afterward (baby to full term or not).

When you consider not just the mental & physical drain on the mother-to-be but also how it affects those around her, I doubt even the world snaps back into any kind of order. You hear lots of people say:

"My life wasn't complete until I had my kids.."

They're wrong. Well, they're right AND wrong. Sure, they have a sense of fulfillment after taking care of kids, a sense of 'productivity' by readying them for the world and the society they will shape. However, they're wrong if they think they were not 'whole people' before. That's like saying anyone who does not have children is a shell of a human being. Many many people never have children and they are perfectly rounded and content with who they are.

The point is that while they were whole people before, they are more conscious people now. They are more in tune with the needs of others, or at least aware of them regardless of if they take action. Being aware of the others around you is so physically and emotionally important, that once we lose that feeling of other people, we lose part of our humanity. Considering that new parent/s will have the presence of another human being(baby) around practically 24/7 they have a stronger feeling of 'oneness' with themselves for taking care of another human.

That mental connection with another person on top of learning to tend to their own physical needs will stick with them no matter what. As much as moms are self-sacrificing, they really do not give so much as they receive. For each hour of sleep lost, a mom gains resilience. For each tipped over plate of spaghetti a mom gains patience. For every scraped knee, a mom gains compassion. For every temper tantrum a mom gains restraint. For each kiss goodnight a mom gains love.

In their lives with their children moms do nothing but receive and receive, much more so than they give. They are physically & mentally different people, and will be more themselves now than they have ever been.

Survival of the Fittest

Having suffered through many of the usual symptoms and effects I can't help but draw the conclusion: pregnancy makes no damn sense. When you take into account all the mental effects and physical illness it's a wonder anyone is alive at all. Here are the typical signs:

*Nausea

*Morning Sickness

*Headaches

*UTIs

*Kidney Stones

*Lack of appetite

*Heartburn

*Lack of mobility

*Stiffness of limbs

*Rapid weight gain

*Breathing difficulties

*A tiny person kicking your insides..

Any number of these on a non-pregnant person would be cause for alarm or immediate hospitalization. Also, without proper access to medical care if a person in an underdeveloped nation were to get any of these their chances of dying from it would be extremely high.

So, despite this being 'normal' for pregnancy consider how the following affects the chances of an infant's survival:

*Nausea,Lack of appetite, Morning Sickness & Heartburn:

This one is pretty simple. You don't eat, you don't get the food your body needs to make a baby. You'd figure evolution would prepare you so that you can get all nutrition possible, but this is sadly not the case. Sorry baby, if I can't eat, neither can you. Add on top of that the nations that already have a food shortage, and it's a wonder there's such a mass population in those third world countries.

*Headaches & Forgetfulness:

Inflicting mental anguish on a body already under physical attack is a wonderful idea. Not.

*UTIs &Kidney Stones:

Apart from exposing your unborn fetus to painful and possibly deadly diseases near the birth canal....wait? Where was I going with this?

*Lack of mobility,Rapid weight gain & Stiffness of limbs:

Although we don't have the same worries over running away from a fanged predator in the night, any modern threats like say, a bad driver or a falling heavy object could still kill off the slow waddling pregnant lady.

*Breathing difficulties:

Like being able to eat, if the mother can't breathe, neither can the baby. Babies without oxygen are kind of a huge problem.

*A tiny person kicking your insides..

Self explanatory. Be thankful they cannot rupture organs. Maybe.

Sure, you can argue it's this way so that only the strong and healthy babies survive this ordeal. I mean, yes, we're stretchy and able to overcome many diseases thanks to modern medicine, but our ancestors had to live through all of these great pains without technology and suffered greatly compared to our pampered lives. Even in this modern world the infant mortality rate in several countries is no less a disturbing statistic. The human body is not built adequately to care for both a fetus and a mother. When thinking about all the aforementioned, it's surprising anyone is born without severe damage.

...

everyone can go away now.

As Beatles Sing..'HELP!'

That is about the most appropriate song I can think of at the moment..at least the part where the guys send out an SOS.  I'm at a very very low point emotionally currently. It seems just as things were settled and semi-calm....something new decides 'Hey....fuck you!' and kicks sand in your suit. The easiest way for me to organize this mess is, as always, short, choppy thoughts.

Thought #1:

What.The.Fuck.  Why does this have to happen now? We could have gone on, just fine, with things at their current pace

Thought#2:

Why on earth can't I decide what to do?! I've never been this weak before. If I don't decide, they're happy. If I do decide, they're unhappy. 

Thought#3:

Why can't they just let me grow up? I'm their kid, true, but I should be allowed to make a choice without feeling emotionally blackmailed!

Thought#4:

I could do it. I could just leave......but I can't. I already have no money, no job, no visible means of support. Anything I do have to help is here. I'm trapped by my position.

Thought#5:

There has to be someone else I can talk to....everyone available is related/knows us. And I always get pro-family rhetoric, anti-boyfriend talk. I want a balance of both, not the moral majority down my throat.

Thought#6:

I. AM. NOT. TOO.YOUNG. I was old enough to be 'let loose' into university on my own. Old enough to decide when to go to a party and when to study. Old enough to mess up my academic record on my own. Old enough to be let alone with *gasp* boys. Old enough to vote, be sued, pay bills, sign contracts, get sent to bill collectors. Old enough to have sex with a guy. Old enough to be allowed to 'destroy my life'....but clearly not old enough to be trusted to clean up the messes? I'm pretty sure I've done more living in one year than a lot of people can say. I am smart enough to decide these things, and young enough to fix them. So in the most plain and immature way I can think of saying it:

"LEAVE ME ALONE!"

Okay...those are pretty accurate. And, I can say I feel better. I'm sure I'll think of other things but for now...this is exactly how I feel.

Cue Mood Swing #5,000,000,000

Do you know what's fun? Going back through old email accounts and web pages you had forgotten you created.  After searching through your memory, you foggily recover all the details to access your account.  Unlocking that password is like looking into a forgotten vault. The treasures of your past are all there, just a bit dusty, a bit rusty, and still as solid as ever.

Do you know what's painful? Going back through old email accounts and web pages you had forgotten you created. :(

I have such an internet attention deficit, it's a wonder I don't have more junk scattered throughout than I already do.

It is also a wonder that pregnancy brain, where I'm supposed to forget things, actually makes me remember more vividly all the past. The only difference I guess is the inability to form a coherent thought. At least for very long.

Sure, high school pretty much blows. Unless you have a stick-to-it group of friends who understand you and are just as wacked out as you....college will be your savior :P

I think, the best parts of anything are the first year. Some may be inclined to disagree, but for me personally my best years were Freshman year of high school, Freshman year of college, the first year I did POTP, the first year in choir....all firsts. All untainted by the suckage of time.

You don't really think of your friends as having last names unless the name is part of a nickname or joke. All my college friends I know only by their last names.  But they're brand new. And they're all army friends, so the last name thing makes sense.

I almost cried when I realized I had forgotten my  old friend's last name. I had seen her only a year and a half ago.  We had graduated only a year and a half ago, nearly 2 years now.

I honestly forgot her last name. That is the strangest thing in the whole world. 

I feel so awful for it. I know we were all supposed to be long time buddies but now it's not like that at all. Not that I expected perfect communication, oh no. College was sure to erase some of the ties between us, but I don't want to forget them already. I can't forget their names.

Once Upon a Time...

Any story that starts like that has got to be good, right? Ha, not always true. This has been for the most part, a blog about my observations of the people on my campus. Things have shifted directions.....drastically. Let's see, where shall I begin? I guess the best idea would be to list all my 'specs.' Here goes...

I'm 19 years old.

This is baby numero uno.

I'm at about 23-24 weeks (though they say 26, I think it's just the growth is so rapid.)

What else,what else?....oh yeah. I was a virgin when I got pregnant. Literally. Still 'intact' and all that jazz. Science is a funny thing.

[Har-har. I'm science....] 

Currently, I've been yanked out of my old university, stuck attending school at the community college, and I'm quite possibly as miserable and misdirected as can be.

The only thing keeping me from going absolutely ga-ga (as in insane, not dressing in leotards) is getting to talk to my wonderful and understanding boyfriend, and you, internet! :)

I think the best way to keep on top of things for now will be to record my thoughts in this blog, formerly employed to record my snarky and sarcastic observations of my *ugh*peers. No guarantee on it lacking any of the aformentioned sarcasm.

I'm certain, at any point various people who may be reading this will become alarmed at the tone I take on certain topics such as:

*Fun with various illnesses

*Fear and Loathing in La Familia

*Wonder what this food does....

And, my personal favorite,

* How late is too late for abortion?

So, regardless of your persuasions this is about me. This is mine all mine, the one thing I can complain to that doesn't try to give me advice or get personally offended. And, like most blogs, audience participation is encouraged!*cue laugh track*

..............................

.....but seriously, it would be nice every so often to get an opinion from someone who doesn't live in the same house. People get kind of testy after you empty their fridge for the third night in a row. You get the pleasure of an entertaining, hormonal, pregnant trainwreck without the burden of a massive food bill and a water logged couch after crying over puppy commercials(seriously, that's what they WANT you to do).