Wednesday, October 20, 2010

As Beatles Sing..'HELP!'

That is about the most appropriate song I can think of at the least the part where the guys send out an SOS.  I'm at a very very low point emotionally currently. It seems just as things were settled and semi-calm....something new decides 'Hey....fuck you!' and kicks sand in your suit. The easiest way for me to organize this mess is, as always, short, choppy thoughts.

Thought #1:

What.The.Fuck.  Why does this have to happen now? We could have gone on, just fine, with things at their current pace


Why on earth can't I decide what to do?! I've never been this weak before. If I don't decide, they're happy. If I do decide, they're unhappy. 


Why can't they just let me grow up? I'm their kid, true, but I should be allowed to make a choice without feeling emotionally blackmailed!


I could do it. I could just leave......but I can't. I already have no money, no job, no visible means of support. Anything I do have to help is here. I'm trapped by my position.


There has to be someone else I can talk to....everyone available is related/knows us. And I always get pro-family rhetoric, anti-boyfriend talk. I want a balance of both, not the moral majority down my throat.


I. AM. NOT. TOO.YOUNG. I was old enough to be 'let loose' into university on my own. Old enough to decide when to go to a party and when to study. Old enough to mess up my academic record on my own. Old enough to be let alone with *gasp* boys. Old enough to vote, be sued, pay bills, sign contracts, get sent to bill collectors. Old enough to have sex with a guy. Old enough to be allowed to 'destroy my life'....but clearly not old enough to be trusted to clean up the messes? I'm pretty sure I've done more living in one year than a lot of people can say. I am smart enough to decide these things, and young enough to fix them. So in the most plain and immature way I can think of saying it:


Okay...those are pretty accurate. And, I can say I feel better. I'm sure I'll think of other things but for now...this is exactly how I feel.

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