Thursday, October 21, 2010

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

As Beatles Sing..'HELP!'

That is about the most appropriate song I can think of at the moment..at least the part where the guys send out an SOS.  I'm at a very very low point emotionally currently. It seems just as things were settled and semi-calm....something new decides 'Hey....fuck you!' and kicks sand in your suit. The easiest way for me to organize this mess is, as always, short, choppy thoughts.

Thought #1:

What.The.Fuck.  Why does this have to happen now? We could have gone on, just fine, with things at their current pace

Thought#2:

Why on earth can't I decide what to do?! I've never been this weak before. If I don't decide, they're happy. If I do decide, they're unhappy. 

Thought#3:

Why can't they just let me grow up? I'm their kid, true, but I should be allowed to make a choice without feeling emotionally blackmailed!

Thought#4:

I could do it. I could just leave......but I can't. I already have no money, no job, no visible means of support. Anything I do have to help is here. I'm trapped by my position.

Thought#5:

There has to be someone else I can talk to....everyone available is related/knows us. And I always get pro-family rhetoric, anti-boyfriend talk. I want a balance of both, not the moral majority down my throat.

Thought#6:

I. AM. NOT. TOO.YOUNG. I was old enough to be 'let loose' into university on my own. Old enough to decide when to go to a party and when to study. Old enough to mess up my academic record on my own. Old enough to be let alone with *gasp* boys. Old enough to vote, be sued, pay bills, sign contracts, get sent to bill collectors. Old enough to have sex with a guy. Old enough to be allowed to 'destroy my life'....but clearly not old enough to be trusted to clean up the messes? I'm pretty sure I've done more living in one year than a lot of people can say. I am smart enough to decide these things, and young enough to fix them. So in the most plain and immature way I can think of saying it:

"LEAVE ME ALONE!"


Okay...those are pretty accurate. And, I can say I feel better. I'm sure I'll think of other things but for now...this is exactly how I feel.



Sunday, October 17, 2010

Cue Mood Swing #5,000,000,000

Do you know what's fun? Going back through old email accounts and web pages you had forgotten you created.  After searching through your memory, you foggily recover all the details to access your account.  Unlocking that password is like looking into a forgotten vault. The treasures of your past are all there, just a bit dusty, a bit rusty, and still as solid as ever.

Do you know what's painful? Going back through old email accounts and web pages you had forgotten you created. :(

I have such an internet attention deficit, it's a wonder I don't have more junk scattered throughout than I already do.

It is also a wonder that pregnancy brain, where I'm supposed to forget things, actually makes me remember more vividly all the past. The only difference I guess is the inability to form a coherent thought. At least for very long.

Sure, high school pretty much blows. Unless you have a stick-to-it group of friends who understand you and are just as wacked out as you....college will be your savior :P

I think, the best parts of anything are the first year. Some may be inclined to disagree, but for me personally my best years were Freshman year of high school, Freshman year of college, the first year I did POTP, the first year in choir....all firsts. All untainted by the suckage of time.

You don't really think of your friends as having last names unless the name is part of a nickname or joke. All my college friends I know only by their last names.  But they're brand new. And they're all army friends, so the last name thing makes sense.

I almost cried when I realized I had forgotten my  old friend's last name. I had seen her only a year and a half ago.  We had graduated only a year and a half ago, nearly 2 years now.

I honestly forgot her last name. That is the strangest thing in the whole world. 

I feel so awful for it. I know we were all supposed to be long time buddies but now it's not like that at all. Not that I expected perfect communication, oh no. College was sure to erase some of the ties between us, but I don't want to forget them already. I can't forget their names.

Sunday, October 3, 2010

Once Upon a Time...


Any story that starts like that has got to be good, right? Ha, not always true. This has been for the most part, a blog about my observations of the people on my campus. Things have shifted directions.....drastically. Let's see, where shall I begin? I guess the best idea would be to list all my 'specs.' Here goes...

I'm 19 years old.

This is baby numero uno.

I'm at about 23-24 weeks (though they say 26, I think it's just the growth is so rapid.)

What else,what else?....oh yeah. I was a virgin when I got pregnant. Literally. Still 'intact' and all that jazz. Science is a funny thing.


[Har-har. I'm science....] 

Currently, I've been yanked out of my old university, stuck attending school at the community college, and I'm quite possibly as miserable and misdirected as can be.

The only thing keeping me from going absolutely ga-ga (as in insane, not dressing in leotards) is getting to talk to my wonderful and understanding boyfriend, and you, internet! :)

I think the best way to keep on top of things for now will be to record my thoughts in this blog, formerly employed to record my snarky and sarcastic observations of my *ugh*peers. No guarantee on it lacking any of the aformentioned sarcasm.

I'm certain, at any point various people who may be reading this will become alarmed at the tone I take on certain topics such as:

*Fun with various illnesses

*Fear and Loathing in La Familia

*Wonder what this food does....

And, my personal favorite,

* How late is too late for abortion?

So, regardless of your persuasions this is about me. This is mine all mine, the one thing I can complain to that doesn't try to give me advice or get personally offended. And, like most blogs, audience participation is encouraged!*cue laugh track*

..............................

.....but seriously, it would be nice every so often to get an opinion from someone who doesn't live in the same house. People get kind of testy after you empty their fridge for the third night in a row. You get the pleasure of an entertaining, hormonal, pregnant trainwreck without the burden of a massive food bill and a water logged couch after crying over puppy commercials(seriously, that's what they WANT you to do).